Mum’s The Word…
The question I’d rather not answer in the workplace.
By a contented mother of none, who shall remain anonymous.
‘So... When are you going to have children?’ is a question often asked by colleagues, that I have come to dread.
My options are:
Reply with, “Not anytime soon.” (Followed by an awkward fake laugh.)
Evasively respond with, “We’re not really thinking about that right now.” (Followed by a quick change of subject.)
Pretend I did not hear the question.
Tell the truth.
I would like to be brave enough to use option four anytime I am asked this question. However, I am not there yet. I mostly flit between response one or two as these are the easiest responses to give.
The truth is I do not want to have children.
It is not because I don’t like children.
I love spending time with my best friend’s children, they call me ‘Auntie’ and I am so happy to have them in my life. I am genuinely happy for any colleague who shares with me that they are expecting a child. I know how special that must be for them. I enjoy hearing about their family life, what their children have been up to, how they are doing at school etc. I just simply do not want any children of my own. I am happy with my life as it is, with my husband and my dog.
When I think about the future, I just do not see children in it.
You may be wondering why I don’t just tell colleagues how I feel. It’s my choice after all. Surely people would understand that…right?
Thankfully, yes, some people do understand, and I can be really open with them about it. The majority of the time though, I feel judged. I have had a lot of negative responses. Some of which have been quite hurtful, and some quite insulting, especially when it is from a colleague you thought you could trust.
Here are some (very common) examples:
“Won’t you regret it when you are too old to have children?”
“Who will look after you when you are old?”
“Isn’t it a bit selfish, as your parents won’t get to be grandparents?”
“What’s wrong with having a family?”
“Doesn’t your life feel empty and like something is missing?”
“I thought you liked kids.”
“I didn’t take you for some cold career woman.”
“I just don’t understand why you don’t want a family.”
“You’re just saying that because you’re not ready, you will change your mind.”
“What about your husband? If he has no children, the name won’t be passed down.”
If you are someone like me, who has made the choice not to have children, you probably will not be surprised. In fact, unfortunately, I imagine you have been given similar responses or maybe worse. Perhaps, some of you have not felt comfortable enough to tell anyone, for fear of how they will react.
I try to combat these negative comments, but sometimes I just do not want to have to have the conversation - especially at work.
It’s really hard when people argue against me on this, as if it is about being right or wrong, when it is actually simply about personal choice. I sometimes find myself feeling guilty, being an only child, and making this decision. Even though it is best for me and my husband (we both feel the same way and made this decision together), and my parents are very supportive, it does not stop people pressing on that button.
The comment I find must hurtful is usually something along the lines of ‘not having children means your life is empty, because you do not have a full life without them’. This feels like a very personal attack on my way of life. People fill their lives in different ways and there is nothing wrong with that. Why is it so hard to believe that what I have is enough? That I already see my husband, myself, and my dog as our own little family.
As to being seen as a ‘cold career woman’ I just find this sort of notion infuriating. Maybe, I should get back in the kitchen and make my husband a sandwich? I think not. There is nothing wrong with being ambitious, enjoying your work and finding purpose in it. If you spoke to those close to me, you would know I am anything but cold. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I care a great deal about the people I love.
I have also been thinking specifically about the question I opened with, “When are you going to have children?”.
That word ‘when’ implicates it is inevitable and the expected next step. Why is it that people feel this is appropriate to ask? Especially at work - and especially when we’re newly acquainted at work.
For starters, they could at least drop the ‘when’ and ask, ‘Do you want to have any children?’ At least acknowledge the fact it is a choice. Better yet, maybe leave that conversation until you know me a bit better. I do not mean to sound harsh; I know a lot of people mean no ill-will asking this kind of question. They are probably just taking an interest, wanting to make conversation, or maybe they have/ want to have/ are expecting children and want to see if we have that in common.
However, that ‘innocent’ question, can be exactly the wrong thing to say.
One of my family members has had multiple miscarriages. She ended up sharing this, even though she did not want to, on social media, because she was so tired of being asked about ‘when she was going to have children.’
Every time she was asked, it was a constant reminder of how much she wanted to have children but did not have any. How she had been trying, and still trying, and the heartache she felt.
Many people could be going through a struggle like hers without your knowledge, because it is their choice whether or not to tell you. They may feel backed into a corner, not wanting to tell you, but also wanting you to stop asking them about children, stop reminding them of their pain.
I think people just need to be more thoughtful., especially at work. Consider the ‘what ifs?’ Imagine the scenario from the other person’s perspective. It is okay not to understand their point of view or disagree with it, as long as you respect that is their choice to make. If you do not understand, ask them about it, and listen to what they say with an open mind, rather than trying to force your own opinions on to them.
If you want to be a full-time parent, that’s great. If you want to be working parent, that’s great. If you do not want to be a parent at all that’s great.
Whatever you chose, it is up to you.
As my best friend explained to me, “You have made the right choice for you, which will only ever be a great thing.”