The Realities of Gaslighting when you have a disability.
By Jessica E Liz the Powered By Diversity Collective
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse. It's the act of manipulating a person by forcing them to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them.
The term “gaslighting” originates from Patrick Hamilton’s 1938 stage play Gas Light. In the story, a man attempts to convince his wife and others that she is insane by manipulating small elements of their environment. He insists that she is mistaken, remembering things incorrectly, or delusional when she points out these changes. As the play's title suggests, the abusive husband slowly dims the gas lights in their home, whilst pretending nothing has changed, in an effort to make his wife doubt her own perceptions.
I thought long and hard about writing this article - or rather using the term gaslighting so prominently in it - as this is something that’s often associated with domestic abuse. However, the more I thought about it the more it seemed something that I needed to talk about, because gaslighting isn’t really a term heard within the workplace and yet it’s something that does go on. Gaslighting can be hugely damaging for the person on the receiving end of it - even more so if that person has a disability.
When I think about my career (of around fifteen years now) I have had two significant experiences which both damaged my health and detrimentally affected my career and I know I’m not alone in this. In both these cases it was my line manager (the very person who was supposed to support me) who was the perpetrator and my disability/ adjustments worked directly against me. There were physical and psychological ramifications which occurred as a result of what happened. In the case of the second instance I believe that I still feel those ramifications today.
I want to use my personal experiences to make employers aware of this issue so that they can look out for the signs, and can stop what happened to me from happening to others in the future.
The aim of this article is to highlight this behaviour (which so often plays out in dark corners or behind closed doors) so that employers can take stock and do something about it. Gaslighting is subtle and insidious - the very nature of gaslighting often means that the employee affected won’t raise the issue themselves for fear of reprisals or being told that they are imagining things. I want to use my personal experiences to make employers aware of this issue so that they can look out for the signs, and can stop what happened to me from happening to others in the future.
The first time I experienced gaslighting was in my very first job out of university at an investment bank where I was responsible for the Finance department’s internal communications. I was full of self confidence, had no understanding of hierarchy and a real hunger to be great. I also had a disability (narcolepsy), which I declared up front, and a sleep in the day was one of my agreed ‘reasonable adjustments’. I hadn’t felt worried about disclosing my disability to the company because I’d met them at a disability recruitment event - so I saw no reason why it would ever be an issue or hold me back at work.
Right from the start I was curious and ambitious so I got myself involved in all sorts of side projects and as I became established people would often come directly to me with new work rather than talking to my manager first. I can see now that I might have been challenging to supervise but having managed graduates with those traits myself now I also know how rewarding it can be to provide direction and help them grow (with new challenges) rather than feeling threatened (which I think my manager did). I used to pack my diary full of meetings but always left an hour blocked out over lunch to give me time to walk to and from another building where there was a room I could use to sleep.
by the time I was going home I’d often be so tired that I’d have to get a taxi because I could barely walk.
The gaslighting started with my manager finding small faults in the work I was doing. Initially I didn’t pay much attention because I was confident from the feedback I got from others that I was doing a good job. I could recognise that a lot of criticism came from his insecurities rather than anything to do with me. However, over time things got worse and he started to pull me into a room during my sleep time and chastise me, often with an attack on my personal traits. As I had so many meetings during the day that window to sleep would be lost and by the time I was going home I’d often be so tired that I’d have to get a taxi because I could barely walk. The demands of work were building up and I worked longer and longer hours to meet them, often ending up alone in the office at the end of the day and in tears as a result of fatigue. My health was gradually deteriorating and with it my self confidence too.
This situation continued for months until I became a shadow of myself. People in the office did seem to notice the change and eventually I moved managers to somebody much more supportive but by then it was too late. I was so unsure of myself that I couldn’t even send an email without checking it several times over; I just didn’t trust my own judgement any more. After 18 months with the company I was made redundant as part of a wider restructure. Before I left the Business I presented to their diversity board. I remember asking them to think deeply about whether they were set up to support those with disabilities and not to bring anybody else in until they had the structures in place to support them. Those on the board were evidently moved by my story but by that stage there was nothing they could do to help me. I was a shell of a person and I spent months in psychological therapy rebuilding myself.
I became ill directly as a result of not being able to exercise my reasonable adjustments which I’d been so upfront about and I felt that if I raised the issue I’d be seen as weak.
Reading this back now it all sounds so incidental and I’m not sure I’ve even managed to convey the severity of what went on. The gaslighting in the form of sustained and ongoing attacks on my person meant I I lost trust in my abilities and my judgement. Effectively I was brought into a meeting room on a daily basis and character assassinated until I broke. I became ill directly as a result of not being able to exercise my reasonable adjustments which I’d been so upfront about and I felt that if I raised the issue I’d be seen as weak. It was a long slippery path which took months to fully play out and then several more months of not working while I recovered mentally from the toll it had taken on me.
The second significant example of gaslighting happened several years (and jobs) later. In fact it was at the company (and the role) I’m in now. Following my first experience I’d made a complete change in direction and moved into the world of media and publishing where there appeared to be more flexibility.
I’d been clear from the start of my employment that I wanted to progress but there hadn’t been the opportunity (mostly due to headcount allowances). However, in 2018 a new director came in with a promise and remit to change everything. I really bought into his vision and I wanted him to succeed so I openly engaged with him. Initially he seemed to embrace this and told me to hold off on looking for new roles; he said that he recognised my abilities and promotion was on the cards.
I started to notice that something wasn’t right with the director (who was also my line manager) a few months later. I had been involved in a relatively small piece of work that suddenly became highly political for the company leadership and there was clearly some power play going on between him and another director (who happened to be my mentor at the time). The atmosphere changed at work and suddenly I found myself at the centre of disagreements between the two departments. I was shut out by my mentor and told by my manager that I’d need to stop the project. It was all very cloak and dagger with vague explanations about the issues but I did as I was asked and closed things down. Although it felt uncomfortable at the time, similar things had happened to me and other colleagues before, and I expected it to be a storm in a teacup.
My higher profile (and higher priority) work was to be handed over to one of my peers
Shortly after this the director decided to restructure the area of his department that I sat in because, as he explained, in his mind there were three of us looking after areas with too much overlap. My higher profile (and higher priority) work was to be handed over to one of my peers (who’d worked with the director before at a previous company). I was told that the political issues which had caused me harm previously were still quite a problem and that part of this change was to protect me from the fallout from that. Believing myself to be persona non grata I agreed to take a step back while things calmed down. I felt grateful to my manager for looking out for me but wasn’t sure who else I could trust.
The changes to responsibility meant that I lost the entire team that I had been working with. Not only did this leave me isolated but it was a highly visible difference and without official comms I had several people asking me what was going on. I put on a brave face and talked about the opportunity I was being given to work on something else all the while knowing deep down that this wasn’t true (and suspecting that others thought the same). I felt embarrassed and confused about what I might have done wrong to cause such issues; the whole thing felt like a demotion and my confidence sank through the floor. As I had suspected the Business wasn’t interested in what I’d now been tasked with so I spent much of my time unable to make any progress and feeling entirely alone.
In the background I’d had a number of months where I’d felt my health gradually deteriorating but suddenly this deterioration accelerated. In November 2018 I collapsed in the shower and was unable to stand up. I crawled to my bed and was barely able to move for the next three months. My body had totally given up on me.
My working from home became a major issue as I just couldn’t get hold of the director at all when I wasn’t in the office. He wouldn’t respond to emails.
On my return to work I began operating two to three days from home. During the time I had been away the peer that had inherited my work previously now had overall responsibility for everything I’d worked on and had been promoted to a more senior position. I spoke to the director about my continued ambition and how I could get back on track. I was giving a meaty project and a team to lead (including one of my peers) and was told that this project was my opportunity to shine and demonstrate my leadership qualities, ready for promotion. That all sounded great to me and I relished the opportunity. However, from the off I found that the reality wasn’t the same.
My working from home became a major issue as I just couldn’t get hold of the director at all when I wasn’t in the office. He wouldn’t respond to emails, it was impossible to get a meeting scheduled and he wouldn’t speak to me over video or our internal chat. I’d find myself having to go into the office on days that I didn’t need to be there just so that I could get an answer to a decision that I needed to be made.
I wouldn’t be invited to key meetings and when I asked why I’d be told I wasn’t available (because I was working from home) and ‘not to worry about it’. This was despite my being clear that with some notice I was happy to move my days around so that I could be in the office or alternatively to dial in from home. Not being in these meetings meant that I’d have things that had been said by others thrown at me afterwards by the director with no way to challenge them if I disagreed. I’d also regularly be caught off guard by decisions had been made without me that affected my day to day. The benefits of an adjustment which was supposed to allow me to conserve my energy were almost entirely undone by the constant running around and second guessing, which was utterly exhausting.
I could list other examples of gaslighting I’ve experienced during my career to date but these two examples are when the behaviour was sustained and had a negative impact on my health. I have never been able to be that carefree, unafraid go-getter I was since I got broken that first time and although the director who behaved badly in my more recent example, has subsequently left the organisation unfortunately the damage he caused continues to impact me today.
When you have a chronic illness like mine there can be a lot of fear about moving to another organisation and not being able to manage; It’s like having imposter syndrome on steroids.
Peers of mine have been promoted whilst In contrast my portfolio of work and my exposure within the organisation have both shrunk significantly - and for me it feels like being physically trapped in a box. Despite having a new director in place I’d already effectively been sidelined by the time he came in and although I feel as though I’m knocking on the sides of this box I’m trapped in and yelling to be let out, being out of sight most of the time means that I am easy to forget. I also recognise that I’m running out of fight myself and know that at some point I’m going to have to give up and leave the company. When you have a chronic illness like mine there can be a lot of fear about moving to another organisation and not being able to manage; It’s like having imposter syndrome on steroids. I suspect that my current organisation knows this and thinks that I’m unlikely to go anywhere - and this means that I can be left to stagnate.
This is just my story but I’ve realised through speaking to many others with disabilities just how wide the problem of gaslighting is. Generally nobody ever acknowledges that your disability might be biasing their judgement and how can one prove what’s going on in somebody else’s head? A lot of the time you just know it’s happening. For example I heard a talk recently, from a woman who uses a wheelchair, about her experience during a job interview. Everything was going really well until it was time to leave and she couldn’t reach the door handle. She said that the atmosphere totally changed in that moment and the interviewers became awkward as one of them went to open the door for her. She couldn’t prove that this had anything to do with her not getting the role but the wishy washy feedback certainly suggested that it was likely the case.
In my own organisation there’s been a Diversity and Inclusion strategic task force set up which I’m a part of. Although people are well meaning I sometimes sit there smiling to myself as I realise while we talk about future changes the issues are affecting people like me in the moment - and nothing is really changing on the ground as far as I can see. Recently we have been trying to get a better picture of the company makeup from a diversity point of view. When the questionnaire goes out the one where people are most likely to choose ‘prefer not to say’ is whether they have a disability. This doesn’t surprise me at all and I can’t blame people for being cautious (although the survey is entirely anonymous) because once the cat is out of the bag one’s disability it’s there for all to see and if people’s perception of capability changes - this bias is invisible - and unless it’s owned and recognised, it’s almost impossible to reverse.
For those with disabilities to feel safe to open up they need to know that they won’t be stigmatised.
A lot of what I’m reading and hearing about improving things for those with a disability involves managers having the responsibility for supporting their staff. While a huge number of managers will do this very well (with the right training), in situations where this goes wrong the consequences for an employee can be catastrophic. In my view there needs to be another layer of support available from somebody who is neutral and can support an employee with a disability to have the conversations they need to with their manager, peers and potentially also HR. The same person would support managers too and help them understand and navigate conversations and various issues which may arise. If gaslighting happens quietly the damage can be long lasting and destructive, but with a neutral individual and extra layer of support an employee with a disability is empowered to raise this and hopefully stop the behaviour in its tracks before it’s too late. Whether one looks at this from an ethical or a commercial perspective surely it makes sense as there’s likely to be a much bigger financial impact on a company if their employees become unwell.
For those with disabilities to feel safe to open up they need to know that they won’t be stigmatised. For me, so often I didn’t have the energy to call out the bad behaviour; I was just so busy trying to work round all the obstacles that were put in front of me. The fact that the onus was put on me to make things work seemed perfectly reasonable at the time. I know that others saw what was going on because we’ve discussed it since but many more didn’t because they simply weren’t looking and those who did see the problem never considered raising it because they were too busy living their own lives. While gaslighting can affect anyone at work, the truth is that those with a disability are much less likely to leave because of it. The impact of this on the psychological and physical health of somebody that’s already vulnerable, makes this such an important issue to address.
Going forward, if we’re to get to a place where disability doesn’t hold individuals back, people generally need to recognise and feel able to challenge discrimination, confront bad behaviour and call out unconscious bias. It requires a cultural change and for so many organisations that simply won’t happen overnight. It will require proper long-term commitment not only to go the distance and create the cultural change, but also to create an environment where employees feel safe to report incidents and that each and every one of those incidents is taken extremely seriously, every time.