Why I don’t give the advice “Just Be Yourself”.

By Powered By Diversity Founder Cat Wildman

The phrase “just be yourself” as business advice has been grating on me for a really long time. I called it “lazy advice” in a talk I did at Women of Silicon Roundabout in 2018 - and I meant it.

The reason it grates, is that it assumes a world in which we are all valued for being ourselves. 

But that is not yet the world we live in. 

I worry about that advice going into the ears and minds of minoritised young people over and over again to the point where they believe that that’s truly all they need to do in order to succeed.

It should be - and that is the world we are striving to create - but it’s not yet.

I worry about the job ads and careers pages of websites shouting that they value authenticity - when it’s not backed up by anything other than perhaps a corporate photo advertising an externally diverse workforce.

The only way the advice “just be yourself” becomes valid is if we all commit to go into our workplaces ahead of these young people, and rage against the machine hard enough to create a world in which it becomes true. 

But we’re not doing enough. 

Many of the women I have heard giving out the advice “just be yourself” have got to a point at which they can be themselves at work. I can too - now - but I don’t ever give that advice because it most certainly wasn’t always the case for me - and I’m talking from the privileged position of being a white, non disabled, cis-het-woman.

I have spoken to countless successful corporate-world females about it, and they all admit they played the game too. 

For some, the game was being more like...him:

I used to work in sales in a very male-dominated environment and there was an unspoken pressure to 'be one of the boys'. I always felt that to be successful I had to put on a front - joining in with the lad banter and going for Friday beers.

For me, the breaking point came when I was asked to upsell clients on something that I didn't think was ethical. I had learned to accept a lot of the questionable tactics the company used to close sales but this was the final straw. I couldn't compromise my values and I was nearly fired for defying the orders. I handed my notice in pretty soon after that.

Sophie Coulthard, Founder

I recently read an article profiling a female CEO of a FTSE 500 company. In the article the CEO talks about having made so many familial sacrifices in order to progress her career - but then she says she wouldn’t change it.

She talks about interviewing candidates during labour and setting up a workstation around herself in the hospital having just given birth.

The way she talks about it, the feeling that came through, to me at least, was pride. 

The author writes: She was so keen to get stuck into her first CEO role that she took only eight weeks maternity leave. On her first day as CEO, she had to bring her newborn into work, because her husband couldn't help that day.

The whole paragraph leaves me with a deeply uneasy feeling because, as workplace minorities who’ve “made it”, I think we need to stop talking about our years of “conformity” with pride. We need to start being really honest about how exhausting and soul destroying it is to have to play the game so hard for so long. 

The article left a bitter taste for me because it underlined this feeling I’d been having for a long time; that instead of using our power to change the system, we are conforming to it for too long after we’ve grasped the power to be able to to change it. 

This is not a criticism of this incredibly successful woman who has achieved something most women don’t. Everything that CEO said she had experienced resonated with me. In order to wrestle the power necessary to effect change we do need to stand and jostle and blend in on the corporate conveyor belt. Many people do need to shorten their parental leaves and sacrifice family life. 

But shouldn’t the first job we do when we get to the top be to make it easier for the next generation coming up behind us? Especially those who haven’t had whatever privileges have given us so many leg-ups along the way?

Looking at my own journey - my woman-ness was, for many years an albatross around my neck. I loathed my “femaleness” at work for a long time. I hated that whenever I was betrayed by a competitive peer I’d get the urge to cry. I hated that people assumed I couldn’t handle it. I resented having to navigate the risk of being hit on by drunk colleagues at social events. 

I was having a 4:30pm meeting with a colleague in the shared space in our office, the cafe there had recently begun serving alcohol. We decided to finish up over a glass of wine. A board member walked in, spotted us, came straight over to our table and said “Are you two finally shagging? We knew it was just a matter of time”. 

We were both happily married, we were working really hard together on a complex merger which I had hoped would raise my profile and highlight my capabilities - but evidently the board had, instead, been discussing whether or not we were having sex. 

Anoushka, Corporate Strategist

I lost count of the number of times I was told to grow a thicker skin, told to stuff my feelings away, told to be “stoic”, have more “gravitas”, not smile or laugh so much. I spent my early career being told to play the game. 

I was told over and over again - not to be myself. 

But the only facet of myself I had to cover was my femaleness. I didn’t have to cover for my skin colour or my hair texture, my disability, my sexuality, my upbringing or socio-economic status. This amazing TED Talk by Jodi-Ann Burey sums up perfectly this exact point from the perspective of being a disabled Black woman. 

In order to succeed in the corporate world, we still need to assimilate those in charge of it. Today that is 95% male and white; there are more chief executives called Steve than there are from ethnic minority backgrounds. 

In order to assimilate we need to display characteristics those in power recognise and the traits they value. Dark suits, posturing, seriousness, loud voices, cold, emotionless, transactional, capitalist. That’s what it takes to assimilate. So “just be yourself” was bad advice for me because this list couldn’t have been less descriptive of who I was when I entered the corporate world - but it sure as hell was after I’d been shaped for a decade into him. 

The Man. 

I have capitalised The Man because “he” is a conceptual idea, I’m not describing all males. In this case shouting “not all men!” is perfectly valid. It’s not just women who need to perform and assimilate, it’s anyone that is not The Man, including plenty of men.  

We need to assimilate him because to The Man, the unfamiliar is looked upon with suspicion, because if it is not The Man Way, it is a weakness. 

“Femininity”, other cultures, other appearances, other clothing, other colours, other languages equal weakness and difference and they arouse suspicion. Let’s be honest, look at the stats - it’s not just The Man - it’s The White Man

White men also feel the pressure to be more like him. In The Descent of Man Grayson Perry refers to The White Man as the Department of Masculinity. Silently watching and judging all people - all men - and comparing them to his masculine ideals with disastrous implications on men's mental health, quality of life and general outlook. 

In Natives, Akala expressed his disappointment in Barack Obama, who assimilated and reached arguably the ultimate power to effect change, but what did he do when he got there? Rage against the machine? Change it from the inside? Akala’s particular disappointment was that he upheld the capitalist ideals of the country he was governing. 

The White Man is not just depicted as human, in Paw Patrol he takes the form of a German Shepherd puppy called Chase. This is the point - he’s a concept - but he’s still held up everywhere as the archetype of success. 

So how do we #ChooseToChallenge this? 

Firstly, we need to acknowledge that it’s happening. 

Secondly, whilst we’re all assimilating to some degree, we must acknowledge that it’s a lot easier for some than others. White men and women have the advantage of similar skin colour. Men have the advantage of similar gender. Able bodied have the advantage, heterosexual (passing) and cisgender have the advantage, people of higher socio-economic status have the advantage...the list goes on. This is plain and simple privilege, which is a term that has become so charged that it’s simply denied - time and time again. The word privilege has started rto shut conversations down instead of stimulating debate and that’s a terrible thing. In order to change things, we must stop being afraid to talk about privilege. 

Thirdly we have got to stop idealising The White Man Way of professional life above all others. We all need to challenge these norms - everywhere we encounter them.

Finally, for those of us who have been assimilating The White Man for most of our professional lives, we also have to rediscover ourselves. Many people make regular contact with their real selves in their time outside of work, some last made contact with them years ago, and some may never have even discovered their real selves after being shaped so roughly by so many hands throughout their upbringing, education and work. 

What does a future for women without The White Man in charge look like? 

The White Man loves solo power and glory. He doesn't love cooperative structures where he is a peer. In this environment, The White Man will compete, posture and seek to “rule” his peers in any way possible; by being louder, richer, stronger, more powerful, more popular…you see it amongst young executives, at business conferences and in world leaders. This is what we are conditioned to aim for throughout our careers; standing alone at the top of the corporate ladder with a suit and a power pose. 

Looking at women throughout human history we find them time and time again in groups, forming cooperative structures, being resourceful, nurturing, healing, bonding, creating from what they have around them. Am I saying women don’t crave leadership? No, I’m saying that in general women don’t tend to be motivated by leadership purely for their own egos’ sakes. Women tend to be motivated by the possibilities that leadership brings; change, growth, improvement, and the freedom and power to be able to bring those about. I have heard countless stories of women who climbed and climbed the corporate ladder and when the pinnacle arrived they found themselves feeling a bit - ‘meh’. 

Actually I realise now that getting to the top was totally about ego for me.  I didn't need to prove to myself that I was capable, I seemingly needed to prove to other people that I had been doing it right all along and getting to the top was my reward.  Sadly when I got there, I felt flat.  It was only when I worked with a coach that I realised the big job was my only goal.  I had assumed happiness and fulfillment would strike as soon as I landed it.  They didn't.

What I needed to feel good about my work was to make an impact on a continuum of growth and change.  The corporate machine couldn't give me that.  Only coaching could.  Today I revel in the fact that I design work around my life.  It has never required me to be like anyone else.  In fact, being me is truly my differentiator.

Susie Ramroop - Author of Be The Leader You Want To See

There definitely came a point for me where more money and more power were no longer appealing. I realised I had nothing left to prove - to myself or anyone else in a corporate environment. More money and more power would come with more hours, more stress, more pressure, more exhausting performance - and less time as my real self, with my family. I realised that the pull to keep climbing was no longer there. In its place was a powerful urge to look around from my new position, connect with others, and see where I was needed which is when I met Nic and we founded the GEC.

In a world where The White Man way is just another way, other ways will be valued as much and given room and space in which to also flourish. We don’t know for sure what a western world with equality will look like, because most of us have always existed in a patriarchal society where The White Man and his ideals are pushed onto us, but we can look at matriarchal societies around the world and get an idea. More cooperation, more sharing of resources, a sense of community, a drive to work together for the greater good, to achieve things bigger than just looking after number one, and an instinctive urge to create balance - equality, fairness and to heal damage. 

We must all #Choose to Challenge

Though there are rich seams of change forming, the majority of the marginalised still have to assimilate in order to gain access to the power necessary to effect change - but in this assimilation, we must not forget ourselves. 

Once we are there, once we have arrived and grasped the power, we must shed the pretence. We must emerge from cover and effect change straight away, for the least privileged - because when we centre the most underserved. we all benefit. We must become completely allergic to the status quo. 

We must all become activists, in whatever way the activist within us shows up. It might be quiet but determined. It might be loud and motivating. Your inner activist might be a writer, a speaker, a mentor or an artist. It might just be revealing your true self, every single day - never performing or shrinking beneath anyone else’s gaze. 

Maybe you haven’t discovered your inner activist yet. You will - give her time, but promise me one thing; when you are there, facing the holy grail, and more money and more power no longer call to you - turn around. And when you do, be your whole, glorious self and go where that whole, glorious self of yours is needed - and truly valued.